That Clinging Feeling: Possessions

That Clinging Feeling: Possessions

Possessions were never a big thing for me.  “Keeping Up With the Joneses” was never important.  Part of that is because I saw how much our family did without.  One incident that I remember is the repossession of a car that my dad bought that we could not afford. The tow truck came and pulled it away, and we never rode in it again.  Another was that after Dad died at 36, the four of us had to live from day to day.  We never worried about our next meal like many in our world, but we were not always sure of where the next meal after that would come from.  My uncles, who loved us so much, would take us down to Welgo Trader’s in Lexington and there, buy school clothes because Mom did not have the money to buy them for us.  We lived in a house that one uncle bought, so we could have a roof over our heads. So I grew up with not as much as some. 

But I feel at my age and with my most recent health issues, that I want more. But what is interesting is that what I want to hold onto more is not the physical, purchased items, but simply relationships. In other words, I have become clingy. 

The best example is with Becky. Now you understand, we met in the 5th grade, started dating in the 7th grade, and married two weeks after we graduated from the University. I never felt I was really clingy then. Our love has flourished, but of course, there have been moments when we had to work through our differences, but still love flourished.  But not the clingy type.  

I guess, the clingy thing, the subliminal thought of possession of Becky as my wife, has come since my heart attack. “I want, I need.” I want to be around her, I need her to help me, I seek her opinion on everything, and the list can go on. I worry that I have created a dependence on her that I have never had before and have become clingy. 

Adam, our son, has just left for DC to work on a 3-month project for the FBI.  I found myself in tears as he prepared to leave. Though there have been six months or more that Bec and I would not see him, like when he was in the army and lived in South Korea or in Alaska, we now see him every week and find that I’ve become clingy in my heart toward him.  Maybe there is a better way of saying this, but suffice it to say that I have become clingy to Becky, Adam, and Ginny, our daughter, and wonder if I’m thinking of them as mine. As some of us get older, we recognize that we are closer to Heaven than we are to birth, and that someday in the future we will not have these earthly relationships that we have now. So, what are they?

In essence, they are blessings. Not something we can control, but simply a divine gift to us. I’ve had to revisit what I would tell parents of all children: the children you have are not your children; they are God’s children. These relationships are God’s way of blessing us, not relationships to control, manipulate, or think they exist solely for our benefit.

The Chaplain of RL is retiring and relocating to Waco, TX, to be closer to his son, who urgently needs him. However, I’ve discovered that my growing friendship with him and the exchange of theological perspectives have endeared him greatly to me, and his departure saddens me. It’s a clingy kind of feeling. But I remind myself that God placed us here, and that was a blessing, and the friendship that developed is also a blessing to me. I don’t own him, control him, but see him as a divine blessing. And I believe the same holds true for those of you who read this. You are a blessing to me from God. 

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Quentin

Sharecropper’s Inheritance