“Dementia Through the Eyes of Grace”

“Dementia Through the Eyes of Grace”

Galatians 6:2: "bear one another’s burdens"

The title of this blog did not originate with me but with a clergy colleague, Ken, whose wife has had dementia for a number of years.  The title of his webinar caught my attention for several reasons.  The primary reason is that I have a brother who has dementia. We are very close, and one of the few names he remembers is mine.  He is younger than I am, and knowing his educational background and business expertise, I never saw this coming. Shows you how much I know. 

The second reason for my concern is that our culture moves closer and closer to disposing of humans that can’t function ‘productively’.  So, if we don’t want a baby, abort; if our parents or grandparents are in a nursing home, confined to a bed, or a wheelchair, then mercy killing is seen as an option. Even as one looks at his or her own life and doesn’t like what he or she sees, euthanasia becomes an option. Where does that put those with dementia or Alzheimer’s in terms of “worth”, “value”, and productivity? Are they dispensable or disposable? Well, not according to God.  

I am not my brother’s primary caregiver. His wife is.  And we have a sister and her husband close by them who fills in when they can. 

Following are bits and pieces of insight that I gleaned from Ken and others, as well as from of my experience with my brother. 

Caring for one who is dearly loved is a struggle on the heart and mind because we see them moving into a deep darkness that we cannot control or even help.

• We learn much every day about the dignity of each and every person who is created by God in the divine image.
• I have a close friend who reminds me when I go through a tough situation, a kind of darkness: “You are His.” This becomes a reminder for me as I deal with my brother. I know this is not how he would have wanted it for himself, but he remains a child of God and is loved by God.  
• We are not sure how much deeper he will go with his memory challenges, and some, I dare say, lose their capacities at different levels: to function, to know, to remember, and/or to produce.  But as Ken stated: “But they are valuable because of the ones to whom they belong—to us and to God.” 
• I have often said that I don’t want to ever be a burden to Becky; in fact, that is part of the reason we contemplated our move.…we don’t want to be a burden to one another. But as I think about it and as Ken said, so clearly: ‘get over it!’. Think about it.  We came into the world as a burden.  We could not do anything for ourselves. Yet, we were not considered burdens by our parents.  There might be some things that are burdensome.  We came into the world dependent, and our dependency only grows in complexity over the years.  What does Paul write to the Galatians….. “bear one another’s burdens (6:2).” 
• Ken developed this a little further: “God came among us as a dependent little baby, totally dependent on the care of Mary and Joseph and others.  He was born among the homeless of an unwed teenage mother, grew up in a working-class family, interacted with neighbors even anonymously. He was the Son of God and the Savior of the world when He was nursing at Mary’s breast, [and] when Mary was changing His ‘diaper’ [just as much as] when He was hanging on the Cross.  So God has chosen to come among the vulnerable (the dependent, and in the final analysis, all of us).”
• Randy’s dementia makes me think of my own limitations and dependency.  After my heart attack and emergency bypass surgery, I was so very dependent on Becky for most everything. Some of that dependency still lingers. She prepares my food to meet my dietary restrictions, watches my diet when we eat out, shares my driving responsibilities, reminds me of appointments that I have with the doctors, and often sits in with me to get the lowdown. She has become my early warning system about breaking diet, exercise regimen, and my lifting heavy boxes.  And she does it with deep love. No, I am not the same person that she married almost 54 years ago.  Yes, there have been some improvements over the years, but there are some changes like my health that are burdensome.  But she does not see it as a burden. She loves me.  God loves me.  And God loves my brother and accepts him like he is.  He intrinsically knows that God has truly saved him, still wants to go to church, tries to sing, and interact with the folks he recognizes, though he does not remember their names.  But this is clear: God created him, God loves him, He knows him, and will not let him go.  He is his.

  

Grace and Peace,

Quentin

Sharecropper’s Inheritance

P.S. Imagine all the emotions a family goes through. His wife and my sister and her husband are struggling with not just his memory loss, but they feel fear, anxiety, and the stretch of patience. They love him, but they can’t always control him or watch after him. They know God created him like He created us, but the struggle for increased care and monitoring is the most challenging. And then there’s a certain level of guilt that I feel because I’m not there to help. But we pray daily for him, his wife and our sister and her husband. I do look forward to being with him when we are able to return.